Wakil
Welcome to this episode of End of Life Conversations. I'm Reverend Wakil David Matthews.

Annalouiza
And I'm the Reverend Mother Ana Luisa Mendarez. In this podcast, we share people's experiences with death and dying, grief and loss, and the end of life.

Wakil
Every episode, we are so honored and blessed to share stories with amazing, compassionate, and wise guests. So let's get started.

Thank you all for being here with us today. We are so honored to welcome our guest, Margaret Johnson. Annalouiza and Margaret had a wonderful conversation, but since there was no internet connection there, I was not able to join them. So I will be enjoying this with all of you as a listener.

Annalouiza
Today we are sitting with Ms. Margaret Johnson. Ms. Margaret is currently 101 years old. When's your birthday? So she just turned 101. Margaret has lived a very rich and varied life. She has been a homemaker, a wife, and a mother to two children. She lived all over the country due to her husband's career as a geologist. She went back to school at the age of 52 and became a clinical social worker.

By the time she moved to Denver, she was slowly led into a deeper and richer spiritual life. She then trained as a spiritual director and has spent the last 25 years in practice.

Thank you so much, Ms. Margaret. So tell me how death impacts the story of your life.

Margaret
Well, I have to say, first of all, the word death doesn't have a lot of meaning. The ending of the physical life means a transition to me. I am anticipating the death of this body, but I believe my life was here before I was born and will continue.

So other than making arrangements which are necessary for cremation and all that kind of thing, I just am ready for whatever comes next. So it doesn't impact.

You just live each day knowing that one day the form will be gone, but the light won't be.

Annalouiza
Here, here, you sound like an explorer. Right, like it's always a new day to explore and transitions happen, transitions come and go.

Margaret
Rather than explore, it's learning to be instead of do. Learning to be what I was originally.

Annalouiza
Okay.

Margaret
Yes, This earth taught us to be overstimulated nervous system and we lost, most of us, the sense of light that we are and it's coming back into that light to me. That's what death of the body means, more and more of being the light that I know I am even though I know it, I don't always feel it.

Annalouiza
Yeah. I'm so excited by this. So, right now, what is your current role or work that you do?

Margaret
Primarily spiritual direction. because of the challenges of my vision. I'm not able to, and I used to lead retreats and do classes. And now it's primarily spiritual direction with people, but I'm aware when I'm out and about that I can either radiate the light that I am or I can go around being critical and judgmental and I choose the first.

Annalouiza
Being the light. That;s good. I wish more people would remember that they are the light.

Margaret
It's only taken me 100 years.

Annalouiza
It's only taken her 100 years to remember. What are the biggest challenges that you encounter?

Margaret
The loss of... of eyesight through, my eyesight is dim from macular degeneration. So I can't drive and I can't read. But I do use audible books all the time.

But also whenever I feel frustrated, there's a hymn, it's called “Be There My Vision”. But the last two lines is, “Waking or sleeping thy presence is my light.” I remind myself over and over with those lines, thy presence, because I can feel the presence. It's energy.

And then the challenge of the physical body. I can do yoga still, but I know that falling is the greatest challenge. So I hang onto the walls and I'm careful. And I never go alone out, like to the mall, without a walker.

But that's all because I sleep like a baby. And I sleep at least 12 to 14 hours a day

Annalouiza
Do you really…

Margaret
Yeah, I slept 11 hours last night. And I will take that to our now I just go into the deep sleep it feels restored yeah.

Annalouiza
Yeah, you look great.

Margaret
Thank you.

Annalouiza
I'm happy I take my nap every day. I'm getting prepped for my centarian years as well.

Margaret
You take naps too?

Annalouiza
I try to take a 20-minute power nap every day. And I can literally like lie down and I do this, like I put my hands on my heart and I close my eyes and I will just like, I feel as though I'm falling into sleep. But then in 20 minutes, I like, I wake up like fully restored. It’s like my battery pack is completely up. So, yeah. Wonderful. So I'm a nap-taker.

Margaret
That's great.

Annalouiza
Okay. Well, what do you need to feel supported?

Margaret
Well, I have one child age 68 who lives here. She's single, but she lives in Holland's Ranch. So, takes, you know, my son and his family are in Kansas City.

So I told her that I know that getting together is not easy. But if we could talk each night for just checkin around 9 o'clock, just so she's OK and I'm OK. So that's what we do every night. Sometimes we talk two minutes. Sometimes we talk a half hour. But that's just really supportive.

Annalouiza
Very. Yep. And do you still go to church?

Margaret
Every Sunday.

Annalouiza
You're still at St. John's?

Margaret
Someone takes me.

Analouiza
Uh-huh. And what else do you do to get out and about? I just want to point out that I am at Margaret's amazingly beautiful home. She has an eastern window so we can see the sunrise and a western - southwest, right? Southwest view of the mountains, of the Rocky Mountains and... I don't know that I'd want to leave much if I lived here.

Margaret
I don't. I don't leave much. A couple of times a week, I don't just go out. If there's a party or a gathering of some kind.

On my 100th birthday, the cathedral, the dean called me up and told the congregation. and all the retired clergy and clergy that had been there before came and the choir sang.

Annalouiza
I love that!

Margaret
Yeah, now that kept me going. I don't need to go out. There are people in the building, but I'm not a visitor. With that much sleeping and meditating every day,

Annalouiza
Yeah, and I found out that Margaret meditates twice a day, right?

Margaret
Twice a day. For 50 years.

Annalouiza
For 50 years, she has meditated twice a day.

Margaret
Yeah. My lifeline. I keep growing in that. I keep letting go into that. Meditation teaches you to let go and be. Just be.

Annalouiza
I just love that. And what frightens you about the end of this life?

Margaret
Absolutely nothing. I look forward to it. Absolutely nothing. That's one of the, the book, The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran, which I have a copy here because I wanted to speak with, he says, what is death but to... stand naked in the wind or melt into the sun. And when the earth has claimed your limbs, you will surely dance. And when you have tapped into the silent ocean, then you will surely sing.

To me, it's... in uncovering life as it really is, rather than the challenges that we face here because of the density of the planet. So there's nothing. Living is more scary to me.

Annalouiza
I know, right?

Margaret
Keeping, you know.

Annalouiza
Oh. Yeah. I love this. I feel like you've articulated how I've been feeling for maybe... 10 years. Like I keep telling people I'm so excited to go to the other side. Like I want to just be released and go back to the creator.

Margaret
Be released. I like that.

Annalouiza
But I also understand that living as a human allows me to understand more of the love of God. And that's okay. The different levels of love and the different levels of hell, of health. Oh they're all combined. So I guess you, how do your, how does your family, how do your kids feel about you feeling, I don't know, how do your kids feel about you and the end of life?

Margaret
I'm not really sure it's gonna happen. We just, they just think it's neat that I'm as healthy as I am and I'm not dependent. You know, I handle my own affairs and I take care of... I really, you know... We don't talk about it, really. They just say... The last time my son came, he said, well, you don't look any different.

He's a doctor in Kansas City, and he said he has a couple of clients, his older patients, and he said they all wish they were dead. And though after my husband died two and a half years ago, I certainly would have preferred to have joined him, I realized that I had work, that there was a reason I was here. Get on with it.

Annalouiza
Let's do it.

So the next question is how do you resource yourself? And I have heard that you do meditation twice a day. What else do you do?

Margaret
Whenever something's not working, I find out what will I need to make it work. Like I can't drive. And then right away I was led to this wonderful woman who charges, she's a driver. Okay, instead of sitting and complaining, it's okay to feel, I can feel. If I feel distress, I can feel it. But, okay, what's the answer?

And that can be frustrating, especially with technology.

Annalouiza
Yes.

Margaret
Oh my gosh. But find the answer or find out who can help you. Like this morning, I asked you to hang a picture.

Annalouiza
Yeah. I know. I came in and I helped Margaret today hang a beautiful print. Actually, a painting.

Yeah, I guess that's a really beautiful thing that, as a culture, we don't. We don't like to, we like to be independent. We don't want to ask for help or we don't want to let others know where we need support in. So it's beautiful that you, part of what gives you strength is asking for the help that you need.

Margaret
It is,

You know, but I love to fix my own meals and you know. I'm very healthy, really. I don't take any oral medication, no blood pressure, none of that. And I wear hearing aids, and they're wonderful. So I just feel I'm blessed, and I'm given strength for something, and I need to manifest whatever that is.

Annalouiza
Yeah, that's beautiful. All right, what do you wish I had asked you?

Margaret
Well you almost did ask it. What are the blessings of aging?

Annalouiza
OK. So, Ms. Margaret, what are the blessings of aging?

Margaret
Memories. And not just, oh, I remember when. Going back into a memory and reliving it at the feeling level.

And my memory, I'm so, my brain is so clear. And I'm so lucky I can remember. You know, right now, I suddenly just thought of a little junior college where I went when I was 17. In the mountains and all of a sudden, I was just there. and remembering people and also getting to know this is the biggest if you want to getting to know yourself and seeing, appreciating things that you've done wishing there were some things you hadn't.

Learning to truly forgive yourself for the mistakes. I mean, as a deep heart lover. You sure did miss that one up, and I forgive you. And I look in the mirror at night when I'm... I have a little melanoma I'm treating with some... They're treating with some oral stuff rather than cutting it out. So when I'm putting it on in the mirror at night, I'm... I look and I say, hello honey, bless your heart. You're doing good, aren't you?

Really learning to love this woman that I never, I didn't particularly care for. That's a blessing. Having the time, if you will take the time.

Now I see people, I don't know anybody my age, but I have some friends in their 90s. And there's a lot of complaining and talk about poor health, which can occupy you.

Or you can look for, and it's not Pollyanna, it's deep. What do I, like an Uber driver, and we talk about, he's from Ethiopia, and that night I think about him and name him, may he be blessed. We're all one.

Annalouiza
I really like this idea of you having a very deep relationship with your corporal self and forgiving the mistakes and rejoicing in the memories. And it's something that I've been working on for myself this last couple of years. And, you know, there's always this like, ”I wish I had…” like around parenting or around my marriage and, and yet truly at the end of the day as children of light and that we're light and that we like are bouncing around doing things and they seem as mistakes, but they're learning.

Margaret
Right.

Annalouiza
And why are we so hard on ourselves? So it's a really clear message that you're offering, specifically me, that we can be sweet on ourselves a little bit more.

Margaret
Moving from the image of God as a being, uh, which has happened in the last 25, was the biggest challenge for me of all. And letting go of that because it felt scary not to have it be and then to accept that the energy is everywhere and to trust that if that's been the biggest joy

Because the energy is only loving there's no criticism no judgment, no help, so it's either get on board or not, you get to choose.

Annalouiza
Yeah, you do get to choose. We forget we get a choice.

Margaret
Don't we?

Annalouiza
And then we'd like take a choice that's really harmful. Yeah. Sabotage.

Margaret
So it's like I'm not, people say, are you ready for Christmas? It's almost something that everybody says. And I'm not ready for anything. I'm not getting ready for anything.

Annalouiza
You're just being.

Margaret
I am being today.

Annalouiza
Oh, yes.

Margaret
What do I do today? And learning to let go of the anxiety of that's all learned behavior.

Annalouiza
Yeah. Oh, I'm so grateful for this conversation.

Margaret
I'm grateful too, and I love going over the questions. before.

Annalouiza
Yeah, yeah,

Margaret
Yeah, listening. Just death is like the death of this body. It's just fine.

Annalouiza
You know, there is a, and just like when I walked in and I told you that in the Mayan cosmology, the number 13 is really like, it's like you've arrived. It's like heaven and Margaret lives on the 13th floor and there's an idea that number 13 is unsavory. It's unlucky.

And the same thing with the word death. The word death is just an ending. And we have many deaths every day. And this breath is now dying. It just died. And I have a new breath. I'm reborn again. There's a death of this tree and it's okay, it just means it's changing into something else.

And so we attribute the word death as such a hard and cold and negative meaning when in fact it's just part of the cycle. It's just part of creating again and again and again and again, right? And so...

Margaret
Well as Kahlil Gibran says, life and death are one. They're not the same, but they're one. They're one.

I love to read his words. So they're just so rich. In fact, one day when I first read about what is death, but to stand naked in the wind. I was in my nightgown and I went to my window where I can see the mountains and I felt a breeze blow across me So I stripped off my nightgown and stood there naked and felt a breeze across me and I felt so free It was like our melting to the Sun and I thought melting in the Sun is a little warmer

Annalouiza
It's a little harder to stomach that one. But in the morning sunshine that you have here, like that's loving.

Margaret
Yeah. Just beautiful. Yeah. That, that, that's a big help when you're, when you're in more.
Yeah. I have the sun. I'm so addicted to sun.

Annalouiza
Are you? I am too. I have a very big addiction to sunshine. And I don't wear sunscreen. And I think we need our vitamin D. And yeah. I like to follow the cats around the house when they find the streams of sunlight. And sometimes I just kind of nestle in next to them on the floor like, I want some sunshine too.

Margaret
Yeah, I’m a cat lover

Annalouiza
I'm an all lover.

Margaret
Yeah, well I don't want to have to take dogs out. I love them. I'm just lazy.

Annalouiza
No, you're not lazy. It's a thing. It's a lot of work. I take my dog out two or three times a day.

Margaret
Oh, you have a dog?

Annalouiza
I do.

Margaret
And two cats. They like each other?

Annalouiza
They all get along. And I have two guinea pigs too because my kids wanted guinea pigs during the pandemic. And so, yes, there's a passel of many children in my house. And they all get along.

Margaret
The guinea pigs have worked out?

Annalouiza
Yeah. You know, it's really funny. I found a guinea pig at the shelter and he came home and my daughter wanted to name him Panchito which is one of the Donald Duck characters. But we named him Panxito with an X so it's pan and then this Mexican or Nahuatl X sound so xito.

And Panxito I've started calling him Pancho Villa because he actually learned to escape from his pen and he wanders around the house. And he’s actually like not potty trained but potty trained he doesn't go everywhere. It's really bizarre but I have two cats and he's always trying to like interact with the cats and he walks along the dog and he comes and meets me at the fridge so we have a very Dr. Dolittle household.

Margaret
I like that. It sounds so alive.

Annalouiza
It is. We have, all beings are welcome and listened to. I had a friend come over years and years ago when my son had a bearded dragon. Her name was Khaleesi and she used to live in the living room.

And my friend came over one day to ask me for help planning her grandmother's funeral. And so we were sitting in the living room and talking and all of a sudden she leans over and she says, I really feel like that bearded dragon is listening to this conversation and is like wanting to know things.

And I said yes, because in this household everybody has, you know, we exchange information and they speak into my life as well. there's a very good chance that you might have a little word from her. Yes

Margaret
That’s Lovely. Yeah.

Annalouiza
Well Miss Margaret, thank you so very much for holding space with me today, this moment, being 101 revolutions around the Sun and being with me. Sharing your wisdom and speaking into my life.

Margaret
It’s a blessing

Annalouiza
It's a blessing and I hope it's a blessing to anyone who sits and listens to our conversation Yeah So until next time yes

Margaret
Namaste

Wakil
That was beautiful, thank you Annalouiza and Margaret. 

Friends we have some wonderful guests lined up. In our next episode, we'll be hearing from Yana Hansen, a death doula and a volunteer with End of Life Washington, helping terminal patients navigate the medical aid in dying process. See you next time.