SPEAKER_01 0:01

Well, hello everybody, and welcome back to End of Life Conversations, where Joaquila and I sit and think about different parts of dying and what it means and how we can share that with all of you. And today I've been talking about we we just recently interviewed somebody who has uh begun a magazine and I ordered it. Can you is it going backwards for this? No, it's right.

SPEAKER_02 0:27

It's a good candlelight.

SPEAKER_01 0:28

So Candlelight Magazine is for those who want to talk about all things death and dying, just like we do. And I came upon something that I think that we have never actually really talked about. And that's how grief affects one's body. And there's, you know, we always encourage people to take the time to do their grief work, to not be ashamed when you know there's a lot of tears or they they they yearn to sleep and rest. That is all appropriate. And you know, then we also have had grief counselors come on the on the podcast and talk about what they what services they would provide. But I don't think we've ever talked to somebody who talks about when grief gets stuck in your body. And it it is a thing, and you know, there's a whole body of research now that talks about, and actually it's been coming out since uh uh that book in the 90s about the tiger. Uh also look at the for the book. I think I have a copy, but okay. Uh when we experience something, it it it it it is memorized in the body. Not only do we have it in our mind, but our body is also containing that that moment. And it it it it brings me back to when I went through my sister's death, I remember talking to a spiritual director, and I had just mentioned to her that that my toe was hurting, my second toe was hurting. And out of nowhere, she just she said, Can we put a pause on our other conversation? And I want to talk about your toe. And I said, Okay. And she said, Have you told your body that your sister has died? And I said, I I haven't. And she's like, Well, intellectually, you have already been processing this. You've been at the hospital, you've seen it happen, you were with her when she died. Your heart is broken, you're grieving. This is the part where, you know, the love and grief is moving through. But she's like, We are still bodies, and our bodies tend to be a little slower on the upkeep uptake. And she's like, You you have to spend some time saying to your body, we will never hug her again. You won't see her. And, you know, your toe might actually be an indicator that it knows something is going on, but nobody is like talking about it. So I was like, okay, that's that's a really fascinating take. And I did, I think after that session, I, you know, did a whole kind of touching and meditating, like my feet. And I was like, hey, you know, uh, blood of my blood, flesh of my flesh, she's gone, you know, she's died. And, you know, I just did I I created my own somatic support.

SPEAKER_03 3:16

Yeah, I love that. That's really cool.

SPEAKER_01 3:18

It is really cool. And I think people suffer, right? Because they don't know what's going on.

SPEAKER_03 3:23

And we know too, through epigenetics, that we suffer some of the things we're suffering come from well before we even showed up, you know. And that's also there's a lot of science around that these days, too. So that we, you know, just paying attention, I guess that's what it comes down to, listening to your somatic responses to a lot of different things. I I often find myself a a practice that I've learned that that has helped me a lot is when I find myself reacting in some way, like with anger or despair or whatever, when I just feel big feelings to take some time to breathe and find out where in my body that's showing up. That's right. Because that's a clue, that's a little hint, you know, that but you sometimes that happens before you even do the reactivity, you know. So you you're like, oh my, you know, tensing up in that bottle. Oh, yeah, that's that I've learned about that now. I know what that is. And doing that work, the ritual around um, you know, paying attention, like the you know, the IFS and interfamily systems. Um just noticing all those parts of you include and that that can sometimes be connected to different parts of your body that react in different ways.

SPEAKER_01 4:33

So, and so first of all, somatic for those of you who have never heard that word, it just means your body, your physical body, right? And all the connectedness that it that we inhabit. And so, you know, we've we I have talked about grief and and how to ritualize your grief, how to make altars, how to sing a song, or how you know, there's there's practices that Joaquil and I have shared before. And and this episode, I want to just kind of tap it up a little bit more to recognize that you might have already found a bereavement counselor to check in with. You may have gone to a death cafe and shared your story, you may have really supportive family members who are around you and holding you and trying to feed you, and yet you still feel heavy, constricted. Maybe you just like something hurts. Maybe like me, it was like my toe, my second, specifically my second toe. Something is in your body that you're mildly paying attention to, but you can't, you're you're just up in your head or your heart, right?

SPEAKER_02 5:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:43

So in this episode, I just want you to know that we're gonna talk about different ways that you can metabolize or have this grief be land in a field where it grows good things out of it. That your sadness and your tears will will move you into this new phase of who you are, you know. Like sometimes you mourn the loss of both your parents. And I've heard from some people that they feel like orphans. Yeah, how does being an orphan, like now you're born again as somebody with no physical parents?

SPEAKER_03 6:18

So right? Where does that show up? Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 6:22

So where's it showing up? So let's begin. One of the ways we do is we ritualize grief. I always, you know, tell people physically make an altar. Yeah, you know, if you can put a photo, light a candle. I love to add a glass of water because I feel like my ancestors are still around, and this is how I'm still trying to take care of them. Here's some water, here's a little salt for your journey, a little electrolyt.

SPEAKER_03 6:49

Which I was enjoying, am enjoying this morning.

SPEAKER_01 6:51

That's right. The other piece is when you feel like you're really woozy and you can't figure out what's going on, find a solid space. Find, you know, go lie down on the ground outside if you can, or just push your furniture away and find a spot to lay on your ground and be supportive. And one of the most beautiful memories I have uh when I was studying Ayengar yoga, uh, our teacher would always, you know, when we finished up with Shivasna, or began with Shavasna at times, he would always remind us that, you know, feel where your body is connected to that solid ground and recognize that you are being held. Even if it's not, you know, soil or a meadow of lavender, there is still earth beneath you in the form of, you know, a floor. So take that moment to connect and just be supine and be grounded. That's all it means.

SPEAKER_03 7:53

Yeah, yeah, I love that. Yeah. I mean, uh one of my favorite practices, especially when I'm on silent silent retreat, is to uh end my morning meditations by just laying out on the ground, you know, in the dirt. Yeah. You know. And you know, last last week's weekly thing, we talked about the mycilia, you know, that we were and and so when you when I do that, even and you're right, even on the floor in my house, um, just uh you can kind of if you if you use your active imagination, that's right, uh, you can connect, you can find yourself, you can feel those connections and feel them connecting out to everything, but also maybe to directly to people that have that have gone on, or to people you're thinking about and caring about or that are having problems. You know, you can you can pull all of those strands of the tapestry, um, just give a little tug and go, yeah, I hear you, I feel you. And that into internal part too. That's again where we're coming back to what parts of you are responding to those little tugs when whether maybe they're coming from somewhere else, how's that how's that landing in your body?

SPEAKER_01 8:57

Yes. Yep, that's right. So another thing you can do is go take a walk. Just go take a walk.

SPEAKER_03 9:05

Always good.

SPEAKER_00 9:05

Always good.

SPEAKER_01 9:06

Always good. Take even if it's a five-minute walk, you just put your shoes on, you go out, and if you need to cry, like I I always say to people, when my sister died, I walked around Berkeley, California, bawling like a calf. I was just like, You can do that. Generally, people will ignore you, but you know, you can do that. You can just but just go for a walk. And if it just needs to be quiet, infusing your lungs with the oxygen that the that our planet offers is sustaining energy, right? This is what keeps us alive. Just go out and connect with the world. The other pieces you can um, as you're walking or if when you're home on the ground, stretch, stretch your body. Because part of what grief does to us, it wants us to be like small and constricted.

SPEAKER_02 9:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:52

It's it's an ache that we're trying to hold on to. But sometimes when you recognize that it's been around a little bit too long for you and you're uncomfortable, just stretch, open up your heart, stretch your body, maybe just give us like, you know, a an active imagination hug to the universe and just say thank you for this moment.

unknown 10:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:13

Or your little child inside you.

SPEAKER_01 10:15

Oh, your little baby child. That's it.

SPEAKER_03 10:17

Yeah, yeah. Well, and also I want to just mention, point out, too, that you know, not everybody can get out and take a walk. Not everybody can move their bodies in this way. So we want to make sure that everybody knows that it doesn't matter the way you do this, it just matters that you're thinking about how you can connect, you know, whether it's just laying back in your bed or uh on your wheelchair. On your wheelchair, yeah, or having somebody carry you or somebody or having somebody walk with you. Um yeah, just you know, just find that whatever way works for you to reconnect. I think that's the main thing, right? Just to connect and let let go, loosen, loosen and connect. And uh we were just tapping before we started. That's that's a really great practice. Just kind of know your body goes, oh, wow, I love that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

Well, and tapping brings you into the here and now too, right? And it assures you that you're safe and that you're held. But I was just thinking, you know, if you're if our listener is in a wheelchair or has like physical pieces that are really hard for them to just move, well, if you're comfortable, ask somebody to stretch you. Give you a grief stretch, right? Like just open up your arms. And um, there was another I used, I was also in modern dance years and years ago, and our teacher had learned palupalu. Have you ever heard of this? No, I think that's what it's called.

SPEAKER_03 11:36

Palu Palu.

SPEAKER_01 11:37

Yeah, but she would come by and um she would shake us. Oh, she would shake us after class as we were lying there and just shake our bodies until we like stretched out a little bit, and she would just leave us there. And I love that.

SPEAKER_03 11:50

You know, so wow, what a great gift to people. And and you know, the other thing we can offer people here is too is that um do if you have friends that that could use this, you know, that give that gift, give them that gift, offer to give to give them a stretch or a shake or or tap or a scratch, you know, whatever. Yeah, yeah. We can all offer this for each other.

SPEAKER_01 12:12

Yes. And you know, when you're in the throes of de of grief, sometimes it might be really difficult to eat, and your appetite is gone, and you're just you're you're you're you want the body to not be important because your heart hurts. Your heart hurts so much. But find a way to make a little tea, find a way to just eat a lot of soft foods, just warm foods, so that you can nourish the body that is holding this grief for you. Remember, it's a container, and you don't need to go out for a hamburger or you know, something decadent. What you need is sweet, small, simple foods, connecting your body back to our earth.

SPEAKER_03 12:58

Yeah. And yeah, and that again is something you can do for others too.

SPEAKER_01 13:02

That's right. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:04

Yeah, yeah. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 13:07

No, like, you know, super rich foods. You sometimes all people need are toast and a little butter, you know, or just a little rice and uh salt. I mean, honestly, after crying so much, you probably need a little salt.

SPEAKER_03 13:23

Yeah, yeah. And you know, if you need ice cream, get ice cream. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:26

That's true too. That's true.

SPEAKER_03 13:29

Yeah, take your take care of yourself. Bottom line, be be kind to yourself, be kind to people you're working with.

SPEAKER_01 13:35

That's right.

SPEAKER_03 13:36

You're being with. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:38

So the last one I'm gonna share with you is if you are having a hard time connecting with another human and or you're somebody who is not and does not enjoy being touched or held, I would say go find a pillow and hold it and rock it and just squeeze it and use that as an element to bring you back into your body. You're actually active, you're holding that pillow, can be what mirrors back to you in love and connection and sweetness and appreciation for the grief that you're holding and that you're just chomping through.

SPEAKER_03 14:20

So Yeah, yeah. Or a stuffed toy or a stuffed animal, yeah. Or even a pet. Or a pet.

SPEAKER_01 14:26

If well, if your pet enjoys that, that's right. Sometimes like, nope, I don't want that.

SPEAKER_03 14:32

Depends on the pet, right? That's right. Yeah, that's so such a good, good advice, great advice. I almost think that you know, we could we could all just have um a pillow or a pet or a pet maybe, but uh a stuffed animal, some kind of soft, squishy thing in our house that's specifically for that purpose. That, you know, for grief time. I need to go lay down and hold this thing. We could label it, you know, for grief. If with grief opening, it's really beautiful. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:00

Actually, I think this would be great for families to have their grief uh stuffy, is that they're called now. Uh, you know, so that when we when kids see something that has been lost or is dead, you know, we go to our grief stuffy and hug it and hug it. Or if you have like, you know, my son has this ginormous stuffed bear that he he won at at uh the Lego land in California. Uh we actually have it out on the porch, but it is so big that if you in the winter when I sit out there, I actually just get in it.

SPEAKER_03 15:31

I remember I see it. I remember that when I was there. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:33

Yeah. So it's been there. I just, I mean, I don't know what to do with this huge stuffed animal, but but you know, that is something that we could do to provide support for ourselves and for our families when you know there is an element of needing to be held. And sometimes we don't want humans. Sometimes they're too hot or they smell weird, and we just want to be held. So Yeah, I love that.

SPEAKER_03 15:55

In fact, what it might what it made me think of is that we we keep trying to think of good ways to um reward our paid subscribers. You know, give them a stuffy. We give them a stuffy coming soon. Coming soon to a place near you. Subscribe and you can get one. That's right.

SPEAKER_01 16:14

Oh, tell us more about this stuffy. But yeah, so that is what I offer our listeners today in terms of we know your mind has felt the grief and loss. You know your heart has broken, and now invite your body to be part of the dealing process.

SPEAKER_03 16:30

Yeah, yeah. Listen, listen carefully. Take, you know, set that intention, asking your body, and and and you can also, again, this always applies both directions that you can only do this for yourself, but you can do this for beloved people that are going through this. So all these things are good to learn, good to know about, good to practice for the all that we all everybody needs this all the time, basically.

SPEAKER_02 16:54

So that's right.

SPEAKER_03 16:55

Um we're all going through a lot, and uh this is just one more tool, and we're happy to share it with you.

SPEAKER_00 17:01

That's right.

SPEAKER_03 17:01

So thank you, Ana Luisa. That was awesome, good idea. And uh oh, and at the beginning, you said we love to do this weekly, and we do also invite our good friend Sam to join us at times, so we're missing Sam today.

SPEAKER_02 17:14

That's right.

SPEAKER_03 17:15

And last week, but but just that uh shout out to Sam and uh we will see you again next time.

SPEAKER_00 17:24

That's right.

SPEAKER_03 17:25

Adios. Oh, don't forget to subscribe and don't forget to like and tell all your friends.

SPEAKER_00 17:30

That's right.

SPEAKER_03 17:31

Adios. Bye bye. Ciao and time grief for last conversation about the end of life.