SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome back. We have seen and heard about this specific issue so many times. And it is this. When someone dies, families are often left trying to navigate grief, paperwork, missing documents, and countless unanswered questions all at once. What happens when your family isn't prepared for death? In this episode, Frank Flores joins us to talk about how to prepare your family for death, what to do when someone dies, and why organizing important information before a loss can make such a difference afterwards.

SPEAKER_03 0:38

Yeah, yeah, that's we we really emphasize this all the time. It's such a gift you can give to your family.

SPEAKER_02 0:45

So after Frank experienced the de unexpected deaths of his younger brother and his father, he saw how firsthand how this works and how grief can be compounded by confusion and the frantic search for essential documents and information while you're grieving.

SPEAKER_03 1:01

That's the hardest time. That experience led him to create Familialista, a bilingual digital life manual designed to help families organize important information and create a roadmap for what happens when a loved one dies. This is a really beautiful bilingual tool. So and we've we always talk about this, and um it's just wonderful to hear about um somebody so dedicated to taking care of something he found a need for. And it's a really, really good tool. So he helps us consider a question many families avoid, you know, until it's too late. What would your family need to know if you died tomorrow?

SPEAKER_02 1:39

So if you're dealing with grief and loss or preparing for the death of a loved one, or simply just trying to have more honest conversations with your family about death and care, this conversation is a great one to listen to.

SPEAKER_03 1:52

So stay tuned. That's right.

SPEAKER_01 1:53

Stay tuned.

SPEAKER_03 1:55

Welcome everybody. So glad to have you back here again. I am the Reverend Joaquill David Matthews. On today's episode, we get to meet and talk with Frank Flores. Frank is a first generation Mexican-American entrepreneur and writer from Eagle Pass, Texas on the U.S. Mexico border. He just told us he's on the other side of the Mexico border right now. He spent a decade building ten different industries from a feature film at 19 to businesses he started with almost nothing until two losses stopped in gold. His younger brother and then his father.

SPEAKER_01 2:34

Yes, and I am the Reverend Mother Ana Luisa Armandadis, and Frank he continued to form businesses for years and years, trying to outrun the grief before he finally turned and faced it. Out of that came Familia Lista, a bilingual life manual. So no family is left in the dark when someone they love is gone. It's also a memoir that oh, it's a memoir. There's another memo, right? The half of you have. He tells these stories out of out loud para los nuestros, so grief gets spoken instead of buried. Aye.

SPEAKER_00 3:19

Thank you guys for the space.

SPEAKER_03 3:20

Appreciate it. An opportunity to get on, and I did jump on family lista, and I love what you do what you're doing. It's really, really important. So we have um we've talked to people about gathering up all of your stuff, right? And maybe do classes on all the stuff. And um, but this is kind of a step beyond that where you've got a uh on and we all I always end with you should have something online and you should have something in hard copy. Um and this just gives you like a step-by-step way to put it all online and some other things that maybe you don't even think about, you know. So I really appreciate what you're doing, Frank.

SPEAKER_01 3:54

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 3:55

I appreciate that.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

So Frank, I there's a lot that probably brought you to this work, but in you know, in the best way that you can convey this, what inspired you to begin Familialista?

SPEAKER_00 4:10

Out of um out of loss, uh out of uh grief, um and and uh experiencing loss firsthand uh with my br younger brother, Marcelo, and then secondly with my father. Um my younger brother, it was unexpected. He was straight out of college, and um uh we lost him, and um, so that was hard to deal with, and that's when I actually started building. That's when you guys are talking about like I built stuff. I I was out trying out, I was trying to outrun grief. Uh, and I just realized that 10 years later. Um and then with my father, he was an older man, you expected, but he was very healthy, he was strong, he was he was an athlete. And um it was during like the COVID, the COVID time, and and and it wasn't because of COVID, but he just got sick and everything, the way you know everything that was going on, we just we ended up it was an unexpected loss. So we weren't completely ready. And um, my family, we ended up having to deal with a lot of grief, but there was a lot of chaos as well. And I hadn't experienced that with Marcelo because he was young, so it was not he didn't have a family, he was just starting his life, so that was one kind of grief. Then my father was like, we knew time was coming, you know, and maybe 10 years down the road. You no one knows, right? But we still weren't ready, and he wasn't ready. And in in in my I'm Hispanic, so I remember when I told my dad, I was like, Dad, what what not kind of like what are you gonna leave us, but like where are the things like what are you trying to kill me? What why are we talking about this? So it's it's a very tough conversation to have with elders in um in my in my culture, they they think it's disrespectful, and they think um uh you're maybe bringing on death, you know. They're it's very like it's a superstition kind of thing. So it's very hard to have like, and you had a guest on before, and she spoke very beautifully about this. I think it's like tabletop conversations, like what do you do to prepare for this kind of stuff? And um, we weren't prepared, so we were kind of blindsided by his death, and everything was up in the air. So we're trying to grieve him, and we're also trying to put everything together. Um, because we didn't, you know, he lived by himself. Uh, we're all older. I have um, you know, I'm the I'm the eldest of of four, now three. Um, and we're all doing our thing. So now dad's gone, and how do we put his life together? You know, and and first generation Hispanic in the United States, we don't know the ins and outs, we don't know what to do. Um and that through that need and that grief, and to this, I mean it's been a couple of years already. I to this day, I have brothers in Mexico, half brothers that are asking me for documents. And I'm like, well, who did what? Who did so? Now part of Familia Lista, I built it uh of because of that need, but then also after you're gone, there's this thing we built, it's called El Cuarto Familiar. So even after you're gone, you get 12 months on this digital platform to access things. Different people that you left or that you want to have access, they can have access for tax purposes, insurance, whatever uh the need may be. So it came through need, uh firsthand experience, and and I'm still building it. I mean, it it's live now. Um, but that cuarto familiar, it was my one of my brothers inspired it. You know, he was getting after us on a group message. I'm like, I can't find the document. I'm like, if there was only like a uh an area where just this subject, my dad's subject, all the paperwork was there, and that's that's what opens up after you're gone. So that's the the the family room or whatever. Um so it it's uh it's out of need. It's out of need. And I I saw that um, you know, my did my dad didn't leave a will. Um, he didn't leave anything ready. If you want to go talk to a lawyer, it it's expensive, uh especially for Hispanic families. It's it's it's not something something you know you have to do. And and Familia Lisa does not replace a will um or a power of attorney. It's very important, but at least it gives you a roadmap on day one, on on what what has to happen, because even if you had a will, a will tells you who inherits what, and that'll be anywhere six to twelve months, depending on your state, when you find out what's going on. Familiarista is there for you on day one, and it's basically a life manual, it's a it's a digital roadmap map that that you leave for your family, so that they're not left in the dark. So this all comes from first hand experience and and me building this um has opened up the whole grief. Um, you know, you have to relive everything at the end of the day. Um so it's it's been hard to build it, but it's built with a lot of love for a lot of families that I don't want them to go through what my family went through. Our situation. I know there's got to be a lot of people that are they might be struggling financially or they don't have information. This gives you information and this makes it very accessible for anybody to at least have a map there. So you're not just left in the dark. And it doesn't just go for your family, it goes for your business. There's a lot of people that know everything, right? They they they they're the ones who manage the accounts, the the vendors that they know it what gets paid. And if that parent is gone, you know, my uh I I'm married, and my wife, she takes care of her, she's a dentist, and I'm glad, so grateful that she left her dentist, you know, her practice, her office to take care of her kids. Uh, we believe in raising our own our own family. Um, so she put pause on her career. So now I'm building um, you know, the the financial side and she takes care of the family side. And uh, if I'm gone, I was like, what happens? What does she know how to, you know, where anything's at? Like, I'm gonna leave them. You know, there might be something built, but they don't know where anything's at.

SPEAKER_04 10:04

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 10:05

So um and the beauty of this is not just that it's easy for you. It's I think it's like 11 questions that I have set up now. So it kind of guides you on what you the most important things that you need to put down, but then it it delivers everything digitally. So you can still download it. And I encourage people to download their their manual, store it somewhere, safe. Uh, but also this lets you know exactly like, hey, this was meant for you. So it actually delivers it to the people you love or the people on the list that you want to do.

SPEAKER_03 10:37

That was a really interesting, interesting part of it. I love uh, you know, and we were just saying in the last interview that it's we've had so many wonderful experiences like this of people who go through a loss and start looking for resources and don't find them, and so they make them, you know. And so I really appreciate that that you're doing that. And the way you're doing it, as as you're saying, it's a very unique in that it brings everybody in that needs to be a part of it and gives them all access to what they need access to. Um, you get to choose who's in that group, and uh yeah, and and you can add people and take people away. I mean, it's just really well designed, and and I love that you're I mean, you know, it it's always true that you continue to work on these things and continuing to make them better.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

So it we're I do like it as well because I I I dislike and I like that it's online. I always distrust a lot of our importance of work online. So I'm like, but it does make but it does make it seem like it's like the family uh filing cabinet, because I have my filing cabinet upstairs in my office. And you know, like I bought the Knox box for uh going through it and and getting all my, you know, my daughter, the moment I die, she can pull it up like here's the insurance policy, here's this, here's that, and everything's there in a piece of paper. And I just recently got a fireproof safe, so I'm like, okay, I'm gonna make copies and put it in there. Yeah, um, but it is really nice to like it's like the family filing cabinet, it's got stickers on it and everything, pictures, and you're like, okay, we need to like find this paper to do that. So exactly. I think that's really cool.

SPEAKER_00 12:08

I and this does not replace that either. Um, that is the most important thing. You should have everything printed out and filed away uh safely. But then again, you have to think of a fire uh or an update. You know, you you work on this manual and then you'll leave it there, you'll forget about it. The great thing about this, which doesn't replace that either, this is digital. And you can do it on your phone, on your computer, you can make updates on the fly. And and when I tell you that, um the security thing, my sister, she's like, I love it, bro, but I'm not using it because I don't trust anything online. Yes. So the base of this is because of Robbie and my beautiful sister. She doesn't trust anybody. So I made sure I'd pass the Robbie test. And uh everything is encrypted. We're using the, and it's not me encrypting this, I don't know how to do that. Uh, but we're hiring companies that do this for the top, I mean, for Stripe, the security provider, I mean the payment provider. Everybody, we're using their their uh resources for our our app, for our service. Um, so everything's locked down to the key. And then also uh don't store your passwords or your complete bank account number on this. It's just a map. So it just tells you like these last four digits of my account are this. Uh, this is where you can find my password, and you have something else printed out. And like I said, you can print out your manual that's there, and then you store and you can put your actual password on the printed one and you store it in your safe. So it just it goes along with all that as well. Um yeah, but yeah, there's a security page. Sorry, sorry, go ahead.

SPEAKER_03 13:50

Oh, yeah, I see it also addresses the issue that people, you know, that's nice to have a filing cabinet. It and it's some, but sometimes people you know, like you said, it can just be you know art art on the shelf that never gets updated, but also that um people don't necessarily live anywhere near you or know where where things are. Um if uh the house falls over and uh yeah, you know, um there's just it's just wonderful to have that resource that people know where to go and how to find what they need. So yeah, I appreciate that all you know. I used to wear security, so I appreciate encryption.

SPEAKER_00 14:26

Yeah, I mean that that was the first thing. I was like, if I'm doing this, uh how are we gonna tackle that? Because and when I did, I I went all in and and then if you go on the page, um, you'll see the first thing on the top, it says security. You know, there's a page dedicated just to explaining what you what how your information gets handled, and then what we do with your information, everything there's no small print. I mean, we're not I'm not trying to I gotcha kind of this is to give you know uh something positive to our community. This is something I wish existed when I went through this. So in no way, shape, or form are we trying to do anything funky with this. And like I said, that was for Robbie. I'm like, Robbie, here it is, right in your face, is what and and and I repeated it throughout the whole, not just the app, but the website and and several places, so you're very uh secure with everything, even though you it's encrypted. Uh like I said, I even tell you, don't even store the actual password on here. You don't want to do that ever. Um so but yeah, it does uh rev, like you said, this will deliver it to the person that you want to deliver it wherever they're at. At whatever time, there's no it's like it's another contingency plan for your for your for your safety box, right? And then the the other thing is we added uh a section for every person so you can deliver a personal message where no one else will read that message, just that one person reads it. So even though you have a family group, every message is delivered. Uh there's a different personal message for every person in your list. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:58

Um tell us about the most difficult challenges you run into with this. You know, of course, I developing a website and all that is a challenge all in this. So but has there been other challenges like people who were well like your sister, who's that's not gonna work for me, or other challenges that have come up?

SPEAKER_00 16:18

It's funny. Um, I've I've when when I started, I I just let uh friends and family go uh touch this right and and play with it and tell them I really wanted feedback. I'm like, go crazy with it. I don't care if you if you don't like it, tell me you don't like it, but tell me why you don't like it so I can address your issues. And my sister's concern that was the main one, security. Uh so we addressed that and we do we we actually run audits on a weekly basis on ourselves, uh, just to make sure there's nothing, there's no bug or everything. So we're say security and safety is the utmost important. And then the other thing, I have one of my really good buddies. Um, when I used to work in real estate, he he has it and he's like, so I have two kids. If I pass away, and he's always plays devil advoc uh devil's advocate, is that how you say it uh with me? So it's great. He always has like these crazy scenarios. He's like, What if I if I let them know where everything's at? So my two kids, but what if my daughter, the younger one, goes in and hacks me because you know she might have like my password and leaves my son out of everything, you know, kind of like what if she does it? And I'm like, okay, um, that's a great thing. Let me figure it out. So then we went back and worked on that. So everything is time-stamped. So every time you go in and do any change, uh you make an update or whatever, everything gets stored. There's a little digital foot, it's like a like crypto, you know, like when you go in and you move that's like a crypto blockchain. So everything gets like, you know, Paco or Frank came in here and he he did some change. So it's time-stamped. So I'm like, after you pass away, your daughter's gonna go in there and try to move things around, like, no, this I left this for you, not for him, blah, blah, blah, whatever. Um your son will know, like, he couldn't, my dad couldn't have done this because this is the last time he actually went in. This was after the fact. So, no. So, I mean, everything is like super, like if let's say you're gonna use that to go to court, everything is timestamped. So, there's a there was a lot of good questions like that, and a lot of uh um issues that came up and we started addressing. So, that was another challenge that that we that we were uh but it those challenges end up being positives for for the survey. So it's just another thing that covers you in case, you know, just in case this or that. So um we're still like I said, we still we continue to build. So every time someone else says, like, well, I don't want to use it because of this, we're like, perfect. Now we'll we'll fix that part. So then you can use it.

SPEAKER_04 18:42

Yeah, yeah. It's iterating.

SPEAKER_03 18:45

Best friends to have the ones that go, what about that?

SPEAKER_01 18:48

Yes, yeah, yes.

SPEAKER_03 18:50

That's great. Thank you. That's great.

SPEAKER_01 18:52

So what frightens you about the end of life?

SPEAKER_00 18:57

Um, I I saw this with my father. Um, I don't think my father had um he was 50 when he had me, and then he had Robbie three years later, and then he had twins eight years later. So my out of his second marriage, so he was an older man. He had twins when he was 58. Um, so he had his whole life, you know, after we knew him. And um, you know, you're growing up, and now you're I'm older, and I wish I had him with me right now, you know, to ask him about everything. I'm like, I miss him now more than ever. Um as the man I wish I knew the man who he was when he was younger. I wish I had his um I wish I could just ask him questions and how to figure things out. Like he was a he would have been an amazing mentor. I saw him be a mentor to a lot of people when I was a kid, but I didn't use him as one. I I I didn't need him, and now that I need one, he's not here. So the biggest thing that scares me is me not being there for my kids. Um so that's the whole point of familialista again. It's like, but then that's just paperwork, you know. That's just that's one thing. So I started this year writing a book. I've been trying to book for writing a I've been trying to write a book for a long time. Uh, I didn't know of what I'm like, I have nothing to write about. And now, now that I became a father, I'm like, this is what I want to do. So I'm writing a memoir uh about the person that's made me about my father, about loss. It's about everything. Um and I just want to leave them something beautiful. So when I'm gone, they don't just have family lista to guide them where um where everything's at, but it's like, oh, this is who he was, this is why he was the way he was. I just want them not to doubt or to have anybody else tell them a story about me. I want to tell them the truth. And in this memoir, I go deep dive on the truth. There's nothing holding back. And it's like things have it's not just like it's not victory. It's like, oh, I did this. It's really about like this is where I messed up and this is why if I would have done this, this would have I would have had a better outcome. So it's really leaving them something so they're not lost in the world on a personal level. And and at the same time, I'm trying to leave something good to the world, you know, but it's very personal, it's for them first and then for everybody. So that's scary. So that's why I'm trying to finish this off as soon as possible.

SPEAKER_03 21:16

Yeah, I think I saw on the um the miracleista that the um did you didn't you have a place there where you could just write like a little love letter to whoever you wanted to? Yes, as part of it as well. Yes. You know, that's something we also talk about when we're doing end of life planning, is it's a really wonderful thing to do. Is uh in fact, there's a they call it the ethical will, I think, in the Jewish tradition, um, of just writing something that's not about the money and that but it's about who you were, what you wish somebody would have told you, how you feel about that person, or forgiveness for the people, or you know, that kind of all these things that you wish you would have said or you wish somebody would have said to you. Um so I love that that's a part of what you're doing and and and I love the idea of writing a book. Uh that's taking it all. level. So you don't have enough working challenges in your life.

SPEAKER_01 22:04

Yeah. And you know, it just reminded me of, and I was looking it up on our list, uh, who is the legacy work that we uh spent time with who actually kind of curates stories for people so that they can have it online and share it with other people. And he did it when his brother died, remember and he was like, listen to all the albums that his brother left behind and wrote about that and such. So there is uh someone else out there who was doing legacy work and that with that in mind, like wanting to tell the story of who you are. I love that. Yeah. It was I like that yeah. It was such a great interview. Yeah we had a woman who had it was Kurt Lily List.

SPEAKER_03 22:46

Oh okay good good good mind wow um yeah we had another woman remember who had um she called it two letters yes that was the book that she wrote about yeah yeah and um she was doing sort of similar write down put stuff in an envelope for your three people but yeah thank you this is so cool that you're putting this together and um and continuing to work on it and make it better and better. What a great uh legacy just by itself to for each family and for all of us.

SPEAKER_00 23:17

I appreciate that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:21

So how do you care um yeah we always like to ask people when they're doing this work any kind of work end of life work or having you know challenge of life in general how do you keep yourself resourced when it just is all too much when you know it's hard to get out of bed in the morning or whatever. And there could be a lot of reasons for that. But of course dealing with loss is one of the the toughest ones. So what what is your what are your tools that you use to keep yourself resourced?

SPEAKER_00 23:51

I think it's just it's it's an everyday thing um and it's a mind thing mindset um thing for me I I just I appreciate every day I just there was an old guy that an older guy when I used when I was kid when I was a kid in in school I would ask him every morning like how are you doing? He's like every day above ground is a great day I'm like what? And uh it always stayed with me I'm like he was at a different point in his life where that's he was so grateful just to wake up another day. And that always stuck with me and I was like I wonder if I'll ever say that and I do that's that's what every day I'm just thankful that I have another shot of being here. So whatever happens whatever you're dealing with and like and everyone goes through a lot of we all have different stories we're going through a lot of things and things come and go but we I'm I just try to be grateful for what I have now and every morning I the first thing I do is I just breathe and then I I listen to see everyone else is breathing or screaming the kids are usually awake before I am and they're already crying or making ruckus and I just give thanks I'm like okay they're healthy because they're screaming and and that just keeps me going. Um before I had kids it was different you know that I was seeing more with the loss and uh without like a the kids are my future now so uh before the kids like with Marcelo and with my younger brother like that was just it just being thankful that I got to meet him. He was a great a great person and he was one of those people people you know that he'll lose a flight because he stayed talking to someone and in the lobby and I'm like how did you lose your flight bro we don't have money to pay for the connect like how are we gonna do that he's like he just needed someone to listen to him. That's the kind of person he was and so yeah he he was he was on another level and obviously like I think the good people leave us first because he was so young like he was just very advanced and he taught us a lot so I the main thing that carried me was my mindset just like thank you for giving me the time whatever time I had to share this life with him and I'm grateful. And and and just trying to also decipher what the lessons were that he could have taught us or that he did teach us just in him being him uh to pass on to to other people you know and try to apply them to myself because we were very different uh we have different we were very different personalities so um just trying to be more like him but that that that's it just a mindset just being thankful for what I have and that kind of keeps me going.

SPEAKER_03 26:19

Yeah that gratitude is so important. And and you also mentioned uh you know having the kind of recognizing the losses when they come by like we before we got recording we were talking about uh grieving the loss of a bike you know um but every call a uh something and there's we go through griefs and loss every day and there's so many different ways and to just breathe with those and recognize them and thank be thankful and get gratitude for the lessons and the teachings and the and the and the fact that you've got another day to try again you know so that's such that's a very beautiful response.

SPEAKER_00 26:57

So Frank what is it that you wish we'd asked you what's there anything that we what's anything that you're like I want to talk about this I just I just want to I let everybody know um kind of like the not not really it's just like the resources that so amilalista uh dot com it it doesn't really I don't it doesn't I'm not here to you don't have to get on it but there's resources there there's guides and they're free. So if you go to the page and on the bottom every question I wish I would have known where I could have had like easy access to when I was going through grief and we're it's like a blog and we're building it as we go. So there's a lot of free resources there for everybody to find out. And and yeah so just go to family lisa.com you scroll down there's a guides area and um there's just everything everything that you could think of and if the community has anything that they want to know about reach out and we'll figure out the answer and we'll put it there for so for someone else to read uh anybody who needs that that resources and it's bilingual so it's it's Spanish first when you log in it's Spanish but there's a toggle on the top for English and and it everything's in English as well. So um but yeah we just want to give out free free resources.

SPEAKER_03 28:12

So very good so appreciate it so so needed. So um wonderful and um you said you had a quote you wanted to share with us.

SPEAKER_00 28:22

Yeah actually I I I I wasn't ready but when you guys wrote I was okay I'll do a quote um actually now you have to find one yeah as I was scrambling to do one so I was like I'll I'll just talk about this and it and it has to more to do what we're talking about. And I heard a podcast a great podcast you uh uh you were have you were talking about um masculine um I can't say it masculinity uh uh earlier I think it was like during Father's Day it was a great great episode and I loved it and um so it kind of has to do with that and and this is something I wrote out of the book uh that's gonna come out soon um it's just uh it was one of the hardest chapters I had to write uh but it's kind of just like inward facing so I'll I'll read you that just uh verbatim uh the book is is called The Half You Have um and uh here it goes the story you've been told that a real man carries it alone that needing help is weakness that you stay strong and keep moving and never air your pain to anybody that story is a lie and it's quietly killing people strength is not carrying the weight alone until it crushes you strength is being brave enough to let yourself be seen all the way down to sit across from another human being a counselor a friend somebody and finally set it on the floor if you're a man reading this with something heavy bolted to your chest hear me clearly you were never meant to carry it by yourself and reaching for help is not the end of your strength it's the beginning of the really strength that you have so reach I almost waited too long and I'm not willing to lose you the way of lost people I love. That's okay yeah thank you for that reach yeah I hear the tenderness in your voice so thank you for sharing that vulnerability yeah I'm choking up too yeah it's um I'm I'm I'm like I said I'm still working on it um and that's really what the whole book is about you're giving more than you think and you were meant uh never meant to carry it alone so um yeah uh it's so important thank you for joining us today thank you to Charles Eastan the composer of the original music you are listening to now and of course thanks to you our audience and all of our amazing guests please come back next week for another great episode or share this with your friends family and community we hope you will subscribe and follow us on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, Blue Sky and TikTok additional information will be found in the podcast and of course if you have a good end of life story to paragraph please reach out.

SPEAKER_01 31:34

We're always eager to hear from you